Welcome to the July 2010 Carnival of Nursing in Public

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public (“NIP”). See the bottom of this post for more information.

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I am hosting this post for a friend who I encouraged to participate in the NIP carnival. She prefers not to share her identity. I hope you enjoy her stories as much as I have over the years. The image of her first story is one that I always zip to when the topic of “Best/Least Likely/Coolest place you’ve NIPed” comes up!

A Breast With a View – NIP Around the World

I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me to travel around the world with my family, and as a nursing mother of three children, I have lived in Uruguay, Mexico, the United States, and Lesotho. Along the way, we have traveled as a family all across those countries, plus we have taken trips to Argentina, South Africa, Germany, and Poland. I’m one of those nurse-anywhere-anytime kind of moms, not only because that’s the best way to meet my nursling’s needs, but also because as a practical matter, nursing is often the quickest and easiest way to keep my nursling quiet and happy. Since ‘quiet and happy’ is most people’s idea of how a child should behave in public, my breastfeeding then allows everyone to win. My child and I enjoy all the benefits of going out and about in whatever town we’re living in, while everyone around us does, too.

As I have traveled the world, breastfeeding in churches, museums, restaurants, and parks, on trains, planes, and boats, around local celebrities, ministers of government, ambassadors, and even a king (Letsie III of Lesotho!), I have found that nurturing my child at the breast has helped me cross many cultural divides. Whether it was the warm memory of a Basotho man as he told me how fondly he remembered nursing until he was 5 years old, or the big grin of the Tarahumara mother who couldn’t speak to me in Spanish but could point to her nursling as we crossed paths, or the tears of a new mother at a La Leche League meeting learning that she isn’t the only one who has struggled with working and pumping, the common factor of breastfeeding helped me to build a bridge with these strangers and revealed how much we had in common under the more apparent differences of our life circumstances.

On the more prosaic level, breastfeeding around the world, and doing it in whatever public I happen to be in at the time, has provided me with some great memories – and good stories! Here are some of my favorites:

• My daughter went on her first horse ride at 11 months, Riding a horse across the Uruguayan countryside with DH and some friends – DD was 11 mos old, strapped to me with the sling, and when she got fussy I just turned her around and nursed her. As she nursed off to sleep, I learned that the gentle gait of a horse was far better than a rocking chair for getting this chronic sleep-fighter to go down for a nap. Too bad our yard wasn’t big enough for a pony!

• While visiting the ski town of Zakopanie, Poland, we took a cable car to the top of a mountain. The cold and wind were biting up there, and after a freezing 15 minutes, my 14 month old son had had enough. We scrambled to get back on the next cable car down, but he kept on screaming even once we got out of the cold. I quickly latched him on and then gasped – those were some icy lips!

• The one and only time I tried to nurse with a cover over my daughter’s head, she was four months old and just coming out of a week-long nursing strike. We were in a tiny barbershop in Virginia waiting for my husband, and I was a little freaked out by the close proximity of tons of mirrors and the other customers. Thinking it would help my daughter focus on the breast, and keep me from inadvertently exposing the mirror image of my nipple, I pulled out a blanket and draped it over her head. She immediately started flailing and screaming, and while everyone stared at the spectacle we were now making, I thought, “So much for discreet.”

• My older son was 18 months old when we visited Teotihuacan, the ancient pyramids outside of Mexico City. It was hot, he was tired, and he decided that the best time for a nap was in the sling as we walked around. Did I mention he was teething his canines at the time and napping was only done while nursing? I ended up climbing the Pyramid of the Sun, all 248 steps of it, with him latched on, and to this day, my husband thinks I’m a superhero for that feat.

• We moved to Lesotho when my younger son was 3 months old. It seemed I couldn’t do anything by local mothering standards. My son simply wasn’t dressed warmly enough (in the 80 degree heat) and I was told by more than one older lady in the grocery store that
  surely my ring sling was hurting him. But the first time I nursed in public, in church on Christmas morning, all the comments stopped, and all around me were warm smiles, friendly handshakes, and a knowing, “Isn’t breastfeeding a wonderful thing?”

• Nursing at home can become nursing in public when you have company over. It never occurred to me that I had anything to worry about breastfeeding in my own living room until a Uruguayan friend came over. Doing the usual greeting, he leaned down to kiss me while I nursed my daughter – and then he leaned over even further and kissed her little cheek, too, full of milk!

• I haven’t had to pump very often in public, but occasionally a meeting or conference out of my office meant figuring out where to express while gone. The first time I did it was September 12, 2001, in Washington, DC. The city, like the rest of the country, was still in a state of shock, and as I took the Metro train into town for a conference, people were tense and worried. Seeing the Pentagon train platform crawling with soldiers didn’t help. On a break at the conference site, I was pumping at the large bathroom sink, using the only outlet and struggling to relax enough for a letdown. All of a sudden, an older women came in and seeing me there, she launched into a story about her days many years ago as a pumping mom. As she reached out to connect to me, the stress and fear receded a bit, my milk started flowing, and the two of us exchanged the first smiles I’d seen all day.

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Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public

Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about
your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.

Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.

This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts – new articles will be posted on the following days:

July 5 – Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World

July 6 – Supporting Breastfeeding Mothers: the New, the Experienced, and the Mothers of More Than One Nursing Child

July 7 – Creating a Supportive Network: Your Stories and Celebrations of N.I.P.

July 8 – Breastfeeding: International and Religious Perspectives

July 9 – Your Legal Right to Nurse in Public, and How to Respond to Anyone Who Questions It

Welcome to the July 2010 Carnival of Nursing in Public

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Nursing in Public hosted by Dionna and Paige at NursingFreedom.org. All week, July 5-9, we will be featuring articles and posts about nursing in public (“NIP”). See the bottom of this post for more information.

***

NIP @ Baltimore Aquarium

I’ve scattered photos throughout the text of this post. There are a couple of things you need to know about these photos. The first is that I rarely allow pictures of my family to find their way onto the internet. It’s a testament to how important I believe normalizing nursing in public is that I have placed these pictures on this site. Secondly, You are looking at the sum total of the pictures I have been able to lay my hands on documenting the 7 1/2 years I spent breastfeeding my daughters. There are 3 from the time I breastfed Echo and 2 from Harper. That means you can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I allowed someone to take pictures of me nursing my babies.

If I had it to do over again I’d allow more pictures. I wouldn’t rewind my life for a picture festival do-over because I could use them now to help normalize the act of breastfeeding for people who haven’t been exposed, though I could. It wouldn’t be because I was ashamed of nursing back then and have grown up since then – I wasn’t ashamed then and I’m not ashamed now. I simply wasn’t interested in having more taken at the time because I generally avoid getting my picture taken when possible. As a result I’ve got almost no record of nursing my girls.

So why would I do it differently if I had the chance to do it all over again?

Nursing Echo

I regret having only 5 pictures of something that was such a large part of parenting my children when they were small. I spent HOURS of my day nursing babies for years. You would never know how much time given the lack of photos. You also don’t know how much time I spent nursing in public, be it with guests in my home or out in the wider world. The evidence was lost through my disinterest in being photographed generally. I regret now that I didn’t think I’d want those pictures in the future. The future is here and I look at the photos I do have and the magnitude of what I let slip through my fingers is Oh So evident. Now, when it is years too late, I do wish I had more photos with all my heart.

NIPing with Harper at age 3 at Disney - Before/During/After

Want to know something sad?  I only remembered 3 of these shots. What about the shot of me nursing Harper in the rain poncho you ask?

Totally. Forgot. That.

It’s probably the best photo in the group for normalizing NIP for “extended” nurslings and I forgot I even had it. I forgot I DID that. She was 3 years old at the time and I was gutsy enough to nurse her in a Disney park. I would take bets that it’s the last time I nursed her in public given the stigma mothers face when nursing babies and children over the age of 6 months or a year.

Nursing Echo in the kitchen

I can’t go back and whisper in my younger self’s ear “Take more pictures of yourself nursing. You’ll be glad you did!”. Instead I’m going to tap you on the shoulder and say –

Take more pictures of yourself breastfeeding your babies,  your toddlers and your children. You’ll be glad you did.

Barb NIPing K-Man & Me NIPing Echo

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Welcome to the Carnival of Nursing in Public

Please join us all week, July 5-9, as we celebrate and support breastfeeding mothers. And visit NursingFreedom.org any time to connect with other breastfeeding supporters, learn more about
your legal right to nurse in public, and read (and contribute!) articles about breastfeeding and N.I.P.

Do you support breastfeeding in public? Grab this badge for your blog or website to show your support and encourage others to educate themselves about the benefits of breastfeeding and the rights of breastfeeding mothers and children.

This post is just one of many being featured as part of the Carnival of Nursing in Public. Please visit our other writers each day of the Carnival. Click on the links below to see each day’s posts – new articles will be posted on the following days:

July 5 – Making Breastfeeding the Norm: Creating a Culture of Breastfeeding in a Hyper-Sexualized World

July 6 – Supporting Breastfeeding Mothers: the New, the Experienced, and the Mothers of More Than One Nursing Child

July 7 – Creating a Supportive Network: Your Stories and Celebrations of N.I.P.

July 8 – Breastfeeding: International and Religious Perspectives

July 9 – Your Legal Right to Nurse in Public, and How to Respond to Anyone Who Questions It

Lactivist knit caps ROCK!

In the interest of transparency – I stumbled across this Etsy store and until I asked knitschmidt if it was OK to share her hat here she had no idea I even existed! *laughing* I have received no compensation (except permission to use the image from her Etsy store).

I was puttering around in Etsy looking at all the cool breastfeeding items and I came across this adorable little knit cap by knitschmidt.  Every time I look at this cap I smile! This is lactivism at it’s most fun in my opinion. A saucy little cap perched on a nursing babies head! Can you imagine? What DELICIOUS possibilities with every double-take! *GRIN*

The Cotton Nippin’ Little Nipper

(from her description) Introducing…The Original La Leche Lid Little Nipper. A 100% silky soft cotton baby cap. Pop it on baby at feeding time to keep that noggin warm and let it all hang out. After lunch, it’s simply a cozy fashion statement. Warm enough for colder climates, light enough to take off the chill in air conditioned spaces without overheating baby. A neutral beige “breast” is topped off with a rosy pink “nipple” ~ other sizes and skin tones available upon request! Knitted in the round for a completely seamless finish. Sized to fit the tiniest newborn.

There are a variety of other whimsical caps and hats there so have a look at those too. There are some that make me wish Echo and Harper aren’t quite so old and opinionated about what they like to wear.

Things that make you go “HUH?!”

Some of the comments that have been left on “They should feel guilty for not breastfeeding!” are making me wonder what is going on inside some people’s heads. I’ve refused to approve several comments and unapproved a couple more that wanted to focus not on the personal behavior I was covering but on what “that big meanie over there” was doing as a justification for using those words. That’s a pretty standard derailment technique and I’ve decided I will use the moderation tools heavily on comments that want to take the conversation down a rabbit hole like that (especially if the sign over that hole says “Justification & Distraction this way –>”).

I was planning to just sit on those comments. I don’t particularly like debate, even the civil kind, and addressing them after making my point already seemed a lot like standing on the corner flagging down a debate. Don’t get me wrong, I can do it when necessary but I have many other things I prefer to spend my time on. I’d rather post to a mom and give her some help with a breastfeeding issue or spend an hour discussing breastfeeding support in action here in my corner of Mexico with my Spanish teacher and bulking up my vocabulary.

One of the things I’m coming to terms with is that I will have to step out of the safe little online world I’ve made for myself to some extent if I want to talk about the things I think need to be discussed regarding breastfeeding advocacy and breastfeeding support. Debate, in some form, will be a part of my world now. I have faith I’m going to find a balance that works for me here at this blog and I’ll go on avoiding those places that are a little too hot to handle unless they become more comfortable for me.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, Yeah, I was sitting on comments…

and then I opened up an e-mail telling me I need to do something with this comment -

as long as there are women who say:

“So what, you breastfed your child… you think that’s special?”
“So what, you breastfed your child… want a cookie/medal/etc?”
“Who cares if you breastfed? My child is just as healthy/smart/etc as yours and I FORMULA fed them!”
“Yeah yeah – the breast is best bullshit again”
“There is nothing special or better about breastmilk over formula”

and other such ignorant and mean spirited remarks… I will continue to put out the information in a nice way until it comes to blunt aggressiveness, if someone will not admit that “Yes, I’m right and they know they didn’t make the best choice for whatever reason, etc” NOTICE THE KEY WORD CHOICE, not those who truly could not.

As long as there are women putting breastfeeding Mothers down, belittling their major accomplishment, etc… they don’t deserve mercy or a free pass on their comments, especially not from someone like me.

and I hit my tipping point because a comment like this coming as it did, after the others I’ve been sitting on, deserves a response that the comment section can’t provide.

Home training

If ever there was a situation exemplifying the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” this right here would be it. Justifying shitty behavior on behalf of breastfeeding support because “the other side” is guilty of similar bad behavior is a Red Herring. It’s a logical fallacy that isn’t going to get far without some major pushback from me when I recognize it for what it is here on this blog.

I don’t know about you, but as a kid my mom was forever pounding away on that point with me and my sibs. Now as a mom myself I have spent a fair amount of time over the years telling my daughters that -

• “Your little sister kicking you in the nose is not a good excuse for trying to pound her into a grease spot.”
• “Lourdes taking your crayon is not a good reason to take her coloring book.”
• “I don’t care what he called you, it is not OK to call Noah names.”
• “Your response to the situation was inappropriate. Now instead of only talking about what was wrong with your sister’s behavior we’re also talking about how your response was not OK.”

Are you seeing the parallels I am?

‘Do unto others…’

I am trying to instill in my children an appreciation of the Golden Rule (I really recommend this link even if it’s Wikipedia). You treat others with the same consideration you expect. You don’t use what you perceive as bad behavior by someone as justification for behaving poorly yourself. You don’t use words as weapons – especially if you are trying to convince someone to do something your way. Basically, I hold them to a higher standard of behavior even when they are provoked.

Since I’m that kind of mom it will come as no surprise that here, on this blog, you will not get a free pass to use a mother’s choice as an excuse to be rude, divisive, and bellicose. I will not clap you a High 5 for that. When someone is nasty to me (it doesn’t matter what the topic) I don’t use it as an excuse to go ninja on them. I name it as bad behavior no matter who is doing it and no matter what their goals. Breastfeeding advocacy is not a Zero-Sum game where someone has to win and someone has to lose and the loser has to roll over and show their belly in submission to you the superiority of your point. This, I believe, holds true even if they are mean to you. If we are expecting this of our children we can surely expect it of one another.

Hat Tip to Mother’s Utopia (MothersUtopia on Twitter) for the link to this video. It made my afternoon!

TVNZ 20/20 Video on Extended Breastfeeding

I love these breastfeeding mums and their attitudes! Sending major Kudos to whomever was responsible for producing and editing this segment.

Well, They should!

If you think this, or more importantly if you’ve said this, my post is addressed to you. I suppose I ought to warn you that I’m more than a little peeved with what you are doing because no matter your thought process, no matter what your intentions are, when you say this you make my job as an advocate harder! You create an environment where good people need to spend time thinking and writing about words and their power in reaction to words you used (the words of someone who is supposedly on their side). You create situations where other women write that these words are harmful and that they make us all look bad. You force me to spend extra time focused on my choice of words so I can, hopefully, avert a misunderstanding with a mother on the message board community where I moderate. You contribute to an environment where women feel attacked by ME when I share accurate breastfeeding information with them in an attempt to support them.

I do not thank you for that.

When you take aim and fire off “Well, they should feel guilty for not breastfeeding!” you might think you’re simply voicing your opinion about those “lazy, selfish moms that can’t be bothered to put their wants aside to meet their child’s needs.” You know, the ones you feel completely comfortable musing about out loud in public message board forums because you wonder “Why did they even bother to have kids if they can’t be bothered to put in the energy to actually care for them?” Yes, those mothers whom I have to assume, based on your words, you feel superior to. Unfortunately that’s not how I see things.

Messages from the fringe

Saying “Well, They should feel guilty for not breastfeeding!” on a blog like PhD in Parenting, on the KellyMom Facebook fan page or somewhere else where breastfeeding advocacy is taking place forces Annie, Kelly and others like them to divert attention from advocacy to damage control. They have to address conversations that they didn’t start and that negatively impact their goals. It’s either that or run the risk, a very real one based on some of the comments left on the KellyMom Facebook fan page, that people will believe that they endorse the sentiments of the commenter. Silence is assumed to be equivalent to assent. Ignoring these comments carries consequences.

Very few breastfeeding advocates want to stake out the ground on the outer fringes of breastfeeding advocacy which is exactly where you stand when you say “Well, they should feel guilty…”. You force advocates with a moderated voice, who are seriously searching for the words that best connect with the maximum number of women, to divert their time and energy to dealing with words that will distance and hurt the very people they are working to connect with and help.

Attempts to shame aren’t helpful

Shaming someone is not a useful tool for lasting change. Rather than swaying the person to your side you make them feel attacked and defensive. They are hardly likely to be open to other things you have to say when you are busy judging them as lacking and deserving of guilt. Instead they raise their mental draw bridge and get ready for a siege by those awful, pushy, rude, nasty breastfeeding monsters. So, you have just managed a double play. You’ve alienated someone whom you might have helped as well as reinforcing a fabulous (not) stereotype of breastfeeding supporters. ¡Go Team!

When you open your mouth and let loose these words meant for some demonized idea of a mother who decided she’d rather put her selfish wants first and to heck with the needs and best interest of her child you don’t hit the target. That woman, if she exists, could give a rat’s ass less about what some stranger on the internet thinks about her and her decisions. However, you do end up hitting a lot of other women who are more vulnerable to your message. I meet up with them within the safe space of my breastfeeding support community.

They are -

• Women who wanted desperately to breastfeed, who understand that formula is suboptimal and that their children are being exposed to all the risks associated with formula feeding.
• Women who are deeply mourning the loss of their breastfeeding relationship and whose undeserved feelings of guilt are magnified by your words.
• Women who were not supported when their child was born, who had multiple interventions that eventually impacted their breastfeeding relationship, and who were unable to access the support they needed to work their way through those problems.
• Women who have to return to work and cannot find a way to balance working and pumping and are forced to combination feed or switch to formula completely (don’t even begin to think about taking your privilege out for show-and-tell because I will not entertain ANY discussion that seeks to cast doubt on what is a fact for many women).
• Women who not only weren’t supported but had experts and close family and friends actively undermining their breastfeeding relationships.
• Women who are adoptive mothers who love their child with all their heart but cannot breastfeed them.
• Women who are struggling with serious health issues or the aftermath of those health issues and the impact that it has on their ability to breastfeed.
• Women who are sexual abuse survivors and who are triggered by the act of breastfeeding.
• Women who didn’t understand until they were in the thick of breastfeeding troubles that breastfeeding being natural didn’t mean it would come easy.
• Women who, if one more thing goes wrong, will quit breastfeeding.

But I don’t mean those women!

Your intent is irrelevant with regard to this statement. Your actions are hurtful. You are hearing this from all corners of the breastfeeding advocacy community if you are paying even the slightest bit of attention. Your words are hurting people and you need to acknowledge that and own your responsibility for the damage your words are causing. Your words are not a surgical airstrike that hits only the specific target you are aiming at. They are the verbal equivalent of buckshot and they hit much more than your intended target. In addition, Your voice is disproportionately loud. Just a whisper of “You should feel guilty…” overshadows and undoes the good of the caring and concerned voices of the rest of us. Our words are not remembered nearly as clearly as the pain of yours. “Well, they should feel guilty about not breastfeeding!” is the equivalent of ‘Two steps back.’ and there are many of us who do not wish to take those step with you or because of you.

My advice

Know the goals of the space in which you are spending time. Kelly at KellyMom.com has stated clearly and repeatedly that she is actively searching for ways to bring breastfeeding support to as many mothers as she can by meeting them where they are at and helping them with the goals they have defined for themselves. Her blog, Facebook fan page and forum are not the places to spit out a version of “Well, they should feel guilty for not breastfeeding!” because Kelly doesn’t feel this way. (Yes, Kelly knows I wrote that) You can reapply this advice to other blogs, internet communities and real life breastfeeding support groups.

Take a few moments to ponder some of the lessons you’ve learned about polite behavior. A lot of the damage done by the term “Well, They should feel guilty for not breastfeeding.” arises from it’s use in public areas (public internet forums, blogs, breastfeeding support groups and the like). If you really feel the need to say something like this take it to e-mail or private message or call up a friend and say it privately. The harm you do is immediate and personal for the person hearing your judgment of them in a breastfeeding support group. On message boards people encounter these conversations day and years after they occur. This is often a boon when the information is helpful but that ability to benefit someone is balanced by an equal opportunity to harm when the words are “Well, They should feel guilty..”.

Do. Not. Ever. say these words to someone who is a stranger to you. Talking drive-by smack to another woman who you don’t know and don’t have any type of relationship speaks VOLUMES. Those volumes? They are all about YOU and what they are saying isn’t pretty.

Sorta Crunchy – An Open Letter to My Fellow Breastfeeding Advocates

Accustomed to Chaos – Why We Should Be Mindful Of Our Language

PhD in Parenting – It’s not about picking on moms, it’s about breaking down societal barriers

KellyMom Facebook Fan Page discussion

By the way…

Moms who are feeling guilt about not meeting your breastfeeding goals – I’m going to encourage you release that monkey back into the wild. Embrace the fact that you did the best it was possible for you to do and know that being a mother is about so many more things than breastmilk. This one decision amongst thousands does not define you. Kelly has a post up at the KellyMom blog with lots of great links talking about guilt and Melissa Bartick wrote an interesting and important piece about breastfeeding that was published at HuffPo that will most likely speak to your heart.

ETA 4.27.10: two more examples of mothers I encounter as an advocate.

Annie at PhD in Parenting has been taking the time to ask Nestlé some seriously important questions and then (more importantly in my opinion) construct well-researched, thought provoking responses that push back on what Nestlé has put out there.

One of the final questions tackled is the following -

Moving forward, what steps do you plan to take to use social media and engagement with bloggers to get input into corporate policies and practices? Or are you looking to social media simply as a cost effective marketing tool?

Nestle’s non-answer to this question was:

We are always looking for ways to engage in meaningful dialogue with consumers and others interested in Nestlé. (Looking but not explaining concrete, verifiable steps that you could be held to account over, I see) Certainly, engaging in social media will continue to be one of many ways we try to do that. We welcome ideas from you and your readers. (I’m sure you’d love to keep good people busy chasing their tails that way) We hope you’ll visit us at http://creatingsharedvalue.org (yes, I broke the damn link – you want to go there use your copy/paste) to share your comments, opinions and questions. (Thanks for the invitation but I think I’ll pass on that.)

Her question to us was -

What do you think?

What do you think of Nestle’s answer? What do you think of its track record surrounding the Nestle Family event? How do you think Nestle should be using social media?

What do I think?

I agree with Elita at Blacktating that Nestlé is a racist corporation targeting developing countries and people of color. I believe that they are one of the most corrupt, unethical corporations in the world. I believe they will not stop this unethical behavior on their own and we, as a community, need to keep holding them accountable for what they are doing while we  move in other directions to address our issues with the company and it’s behavior with more powerful organizations that can (should they choose to) put curbs on Nestlé that we simply cannot.

On an side note, I think I’ve been behaving like a privileged little princess* by doing a half-assed Nestlé boycott in my house until recently.

What do you think of Nestle’s answer?

I think there were lots of words used to say exactly nothing. I was not impressed with the fact that they dodged Annie and then invited everyone over to their new digs to share our comments, opinions and questions. Color me WEV.

What do you think of its track record surrounding the Nestle Family event?

I missed all the Twitter traffic (and I think I’m glad I did to be honest). Coming away from this I think it was a crying shame that the bloggers were left defending the castle while Nestlé took its own sweet time joining the fracas. I’m sorry that those bloggers ended up feeling as though they needed to pick a side. Given the fact that some of the most intense conversation away from Twitter was happening immediately before and during the event (where they were with flesh-and-blood Nestlé representatives) the shot-gun wedding with Nestlé was easy to foresee. When faced with the choice of believing one side or the other it’d be pretty damn hard for me to choose the disembodied voices of people trying to get me to think critically – in both senses of the word – about the group I was physically taking up space with.

I watched all kinds of fail as good breastfeeding advocates were accused of tone arguments mostly centering around being hostile, unwilling to believe hear what Nestlé was saying (the assumption being that because the yada yada from Nestlé was news to some it was news to all), and the lumping of everyone in the discussion under the umbrella of the nukers.

How do you think Nestle should be using social media?

I refuse to waste my time thinking about how Nestlé should or could use social media because I refuse to inadvertently give them an idea that they can use to their advantage. I believe that Nestlé’s use of social networking sites will be as corrupt as their current behavior so trying to figure out socially responsible ways for Nestlé to use social networking is a doomed endeavor.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I think what Annie is doing is important and I’m so glad there are people like her out there attempting to hold Nestlé accountable. I think she’s joining in a fight that needs to be fought and I thank her, IBFAN, Baby Milk Action and the WHO for keeping the spotlight shining on Nestlé.

Me? I have other plans for where I choose to spend my energy.

* If you get grumpy that I called myself a privileged little princess and think I’ve somehow taken a swipe at you because you just love your Nestlé chocolate or have to have yourself some of that Nescafé in the morning – take a deep breath and repeat after me “It’s not about you (me) so don’t make it about you (me).”

A lot has been said about Facebook’s hypocrisy regarding the way they treat breastfeeding images and other images of partially or fully exposed breasts. You’d have to be living under a rock to not know about this if you are a part of the online breastfeeding community. That topic has been really well covered by many smart people already. I’m not going there today.

Here’s where I’m going.

Sometimes the strangest things intersect with breastfeeding. That was my first thought when I read a Jezebel piece on a Facebook group that was left up for months before being being taken down a few weeks ago. What was the topic of the group you ask?

Rape.

No – really. Rape.

So my first reaction was to be surprised about the intersectionality of breastfeeding and rape. On the surface they seemed worlds apart to me. Then I read  hortense’s take on the whole mess situation over at Jezebel and thought about it a bit more.

Interesting, isn’t it, that in the eyes of Facebook, a woman shouldn’t be allowed to show her breasts while feeding her child, but it’s perfectly acceptable for men to make a highly public “sport” out of rape.

OH! I thought. I get it. Level UP to drill back down.

This is the culture we live in folks. It’s the culture we work in every day trying to normalize breastfeeding and support breastfeeding mothers. It’s a culture where women are hood ornaments, and breasts are put to work selling beer, vodka, and other alcoholic beverages, as well as magazines,  rock-and-roll (or more magazines as the case may be), computers and of all things – pudding. We’ve even managed to sexualize  breast cancer. Are we good at this or what?

Ours is a culture where breasts are so sexualized that a woman can actually buy into it herself and then give away autonomy over her own body to her baby or partner. We meet our hypothetical nursing mother when she finds herself struggling with breastfeeding because -

• Her partner is jealous of a baby using “his”* breasts and is making breastfeeding stressful. She’s looking for support as she weathers this or ideas for how to deal with the attitude that another adult feels they have a right to her body. The idea that her breasts belong to her since they are part of her anatomy and that her partner doesn’t have a right to any part of her body is often not part of the equation for her or her partner. Maybe she and her partner can’t see that breasts can be multi-functional. Feeding baby – Erogenous zone. They don’t see that it’s a situation where you could think in terms of AND not OR.
• She’s dealing with any number of issues related to breastfeeding in public. She’s struggling to become comfortable with it herself. Possibly she’s been shamed by a stranger while exercising her legally protected right to feed her baby in any venue where she and the baby would otherwise have a right to be.
• She’s struggling with that slippery slope known as “discreet” and how it’s impacting her.
• A corporation like Facebook is telling her that images of her breastfeeding her baby are offensive and are being removed to protect teen members. Her account is being threatened with suspension or deletion and she embarrassed, infuriated, disappointed.

This culture of ours is also a culture where rape of women is acceptable. Don’t believe me that rape is acceptable? I want you to think about that -

• the next time you hear a rape joke and have to decide whether to laugh (at rape – because rape is funny)
• the next time it’s explained to your that the rape wasn’t really rape.
• the next time you discuss how to end rape and the idea that rape will end when men stop raping gets you uncomprehending looks.

Intersectionality at last. Drilling back down.

A. Women are not valued equally with men.

B. Breastfeeding is not viewed as normal in our society which sexualizes the body parts used to nourish our children. Male Gaze anyone?

C. Breastfeeding is not protected by (mostly male) lawmakers because (see A).

D. Rape culture exists because (see A)

At the same time Facebook, a private company, was (and is) removing certain breastfeeding images because they consider them to be obscene, pornographic or sexually explicit they left a pro-rape group up (regardless of their stated policies) for months. Two faces of the same culture. Both faces expose the devaluation of women and their experiences.

Facebook is a private company making their own site rules. I respect their right to do that  and at the same time I support efforts to affect change in those rules. I think the rules relating to breastfeeding are wrong. I realize that they are a reflection of a culture that doesn’t value women. They are a reflection of a world where women and their concerns are not important. Breastfeeding images are viewed as offensive or sexual because we live in a society which sees women’s bodies through a prism of male needs and desires.

In a world where women were valued equally breastfeeding photos on a privately owned social networking site would not be a problem because they would be viewed as normal and appropriate. Breastfeeding would be protected and well supported. Groups supporting and encouraging rape would be filtered off the site immediately and those members involved would find their accounts permanently disabled. It would be a complete 180. We’d be through the looking glass.

I fear we have a LONG way to go.

* I have yet to meet a lesbian couple articulating this issue. That does not mean it isn’t happening – just that I haven’t encountered it.

Facebook’s Breastfeeding Ban [LA Times]
Facebook breastfeeding pic takedown gets backs up [The Register]
Breaking it down for facebook [PhD in Parenting]
Censoring Breastfeeding on Facebook [New York Times - Motherlode Blog]

Elite college students proud of ‘pro-rape’ Facebook page [The Sydney Morning Herald]
“Anti-Consent” College Students Create a “Pro-Rape” Facebook Group [Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux at Care 2 Make a Difference www.care2.com)

Images

Image courtesy of Simon-Davison at flickr

Image courtesy of sofakingsweet28 at flickr

Image courtesy of viZZZual.com

Image courtsey of True-Russian-Vodka at flickr

Image courtesy of Klearchos-Kapoutsis at Flicker

Image courtesy of nDevilTV at flickr

Image courtesy of owen-jp at flicker

NSFW = Not Safe(Suitable) For Work (contains graphic or adult imagery which might be offensive to employers or co-workers.)

So I was thinking about the NSFW designation and how it should be used/not used on the blog. Breastfeeding pictures can show a fair amount of skin and even when they don’t the controversy still roils so it seemed to be worth spending a few moments pondering the issue.

Here’s what I came up with.

Using NSFW promotes the idea that -

• Breastfeeding is not normal.
• Breastfeeding is something that needs to be hidden away (You know, it’s a private act between mother and child. Be discreet for goodness sake).
• Breastfeeding is somehow sexual.
• Breastfeeding could be offensive.

Then I thought about how I’ve structured the blog and what other breastfeeding blogs are doing.

• I have a photostream that rotates through a group of breastfeeding pictures. That box appears on every page of the blog. The pictures are beautiful.
• Have you seen the site header?
• Breastfeeding sites/blogs aren’t using the designation. It’s happening in other areas of the internet.
• NSFW does nothing to normalize breastfeeding within our culture. In fact it does the opposite.

So, No NSFW around here. It’s a breastfeeding blog. Breasts will be seen. I’m leaving it to you to decide when would be the best time during your day for you to read the blog.

In my perfect world nothing would get in the way of a year-round boycott of Nestlé. It’d be simple and I wouldn’t have to compromise. At All. Ever! Even in this less-than-simple world I inhabit I figure I can still knock out a week-long boycott with one hand tied behind my back.

On Monday I thought “I’ll avoid the supermarkets this week and buy only the barest of minimums if I’m forced to go.”  Three days down, four to go and Superama, SuperWalMart and Chedraui have not seen hide-nor-hair of me. I’m kicking butt when it comes to not purchasing anything new. I’m hitting my favorite local market to pick up the meats and fruits and vegetables I need for meals. Fresher food, lower prices, what’s not to love there? This is actually one of the things I’ll miss when I move away from my current location.

Things get trickier when it comes to things I’ve already purchased. Prior to PhD in Parenting’s Open Letter and the discussion it generated I had been avoiding Nestlé manufactured products but purchasing products I knew to be manufactured by other companies and only distributed under the Nestlé logo.

My *true* boycott would be one in which not a single Nestlé product found it’s way into our bodies here in this house. That is something I’m pretty sure we’re not going to get accomplished. I have kids, I have a husband (who still, after all these years, couldn’t tell you why I hate Nestlé) and I have General Mills cereals in the pantry purchased prior to the boycott. I’m also slow to start in the morning. I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a bowl of cereal or two around here this week. I checked that *true* boycott right off my list of goals and settled in to being happy about not buying a single Nestlé branded product this week whether it was manufactured by them or simply distributed by them.

Before the dust-up I was rationalizing that General Mills made the foods that I was purchasing and Nestlé was “only” distributing them. I’d buy them even though the Nestlé seal was sitting there in the upper corner blinking like a neon light at me.

I’ve started rethinking that purchasing behavior though. It’s not impossible for me to manage freshly made breakfast food in the same way we are eating fresh foods for our other meals. The only things in my way really is laziness in the morning and lack of recipes. The recipes are easy to find. I just have to make a commitment to not allow those easy bowls of cereal poured by kids and not their mom to lure me into trouble.

How is everyone doing with the boycotts? Are you running into issues you didn’t expect to? Has it been easier than you expected?